Writer’s Block

There comes a time in your life when you have a million thoughts stacked up in your mind, several things pending, projects in the pipeline, work waiting to be done, words waiting to be said and you amongst all those quintessentially awesome and incredibly messed up things find yourself disconnected. Detached. Its like you want to flow with all the force but everything in the obvious and obscure time and space is holding you back. To me that’s a writer’s block.

Not being able to let go, not being able to let it all out and especially when words fail me.

I found these ‘Dyslexic fragments’ in an abandoned folder in my phone.

Thought I’d share. Just for the sake of words and all that’s beyond them.

*

He and the entire idea of his being are two things I can never wrap my existence around. Will there ever be enough words, expressions, sighs, touches, heartbeats or moments to make him aware of that?

Will there ever be enough of me to contain enough of him?

Fuck it! I don’t need to.

*

Incredibly close, utterly exquisite and unbearably distant.

What?

Your existence.

*

A pang of pain, a rumble in her chest.

His crooked smile that looked more like a smirk.

Shoes. Her broken heels.

The pile of their clothes at the edge of the bed. Broken pieces of glass everywhere on the floor.

Her need to break, completely. His desire to fall for a broken heart.

Will white pants go with this teal V-neck? Dilemmas.

The need of being loved. To love. Unconditionally.

For her to be his. His precious jewel.

Misery and mystery. The despicable games that can be played.

Adrenaline rush. Drugs running in the veins. Choking on the smoke from the cheap cigarrettes.

A death every moment. A death by choice.

The loss within.

*

Barefoot in the moonlight. A trance created by the joyous souls.

A goodbye to last forever.

The story of the night. Every other night.

The curse in the polite conversation.

The fall of the desperate kingdom of love.

Despise.

Demise.

Disappear.

Relive.

*

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Sigh…

“Paimana bideh ki khumaar astam

Man aashiq-e chashm-e mast-e-yarastam

Bideh, bideh, ki khumaar astam;

Dilgeer garzama labela taana

Khabar me waakhla, raasha jaanana

Khabar me waakhla, raasha jaanana

Tarso ba garzay te bela mana?

– For the entire concept of love resides beyond languages, religions, cultures and creeds. It’s beauty lies in it’s imperfections rather than it’s stark perfections. It’s true essence isn’t present in the union it brings, its rather visible in the connections it forms. More than a humanly connection its a bond beyond the comprehensions of naive minds and blind eyes. It’s the purity of a soul and the maturity of a heart.

Just Another Day.

I woke up to his text today, well just like everyday. Can’t expect a better starting, can I? He told me that he’ll be spending the day at the beach and that he’d miss me there. Heart skips a beat, a sigh breaks. Simple words would have such power, I never knew.
Before I was completely awake, he left for the place he loves the most, leaving me behind lost in the wolrd of thoughts, his thoughts.
It was another of those stuck-at-home Sundays, with siblings busy sleeping and parents busy with grocery and other household errands. Thanks to the Pakistan Vs India match, of course.
I, how hopelessly, tried to concentrate on the highs and lows of the match and the rephrasing assignments of mine. But since when have distractions been so kind? All of it was done just to come back to thinking about Him. And Him only.

I kept my phone on charging, my laptop aside, switched off the television and went for a walk at my terrace. Even during the day, the place was full of the memories of the night long conversations I’d had with him. A beautiful land of stories, of our stories. A place I’d always come back to. Always. I aimlessly started walking, walking in circles maybe, thinking of him. Of us, together. I had all those moments in front of me like a beautiful movie playing in BluRay, vivid and brilliant. I thought of a vast crystal blue sea, glistering white sand and a clear blue sky. So exquisite, so majestic. I thought of Him. His bronze intense eyes, the smile always playing at the edge of his lips, the messy hair and the never trimmed beard. I thought of his eyes searching, scanning the beautiful beach with such intensity that it made me skip a beat. I imagined him observing the fine details which usually get ignored by ordinary eyes and smile at the thought of him saying “Attention to detail, you know.” I imaged him smiling at the hints of existence on the naked rocks, the foot marks on the glistering sand, leftovers from the people who must have had walked on this sand creating stories. I imagined him thinking about all those stories. And I imagined him smiling at the thought of all that was hidden and revealed, everything in the air, never failing to fascinate him.

I thought of us, in that very moment, together. I imagined us walking together, hand in hand, along the sea line, talking and laughing endlessly. I imagined his carefree laughter and the way he’d have looked at me, smiled and said every word that was left unsaid. I imagined the two of us making stories together, creating memories. I imagined myself running around playfully and him clicking a million candid pictures. I imagined us happy together and in that moment, I swear I found myself falling for him all over again.

I opened my eyes to a bright sun and texted him saying that I miss him. I walked for a while after that, reminiscing, losing the track of time and the count of the moments that passed.

Iris

I met him today, yet again. He sat there in front of me, in all his glory and power. Indifferent as ever yet understanding the intensity more than he can ever show.

He was dressed in white and blue jeans, nothing too extraordinary though. I liked that. His simplicity failed as a cover or maybe his intensity is only exposed in front of me like that.

I looked away, knowing that his gaze will follow and it sure did. I smiled at him and asked him to like a picture. He refused. Not something I was not used to. We stared at each other, holding our egos wrapped in the fine sheet of humor between us. And before I could realize everything blurred out. The humor, the playful ego, the stubbornness, all of it, got replaced by this strange intensity. All I could think of was his eyes on me and mine on him, interlocked, beautiful, intense. I counted the seconds in the back of my head and lost the count after thirty. Skipped a beat and forgot the world around me. We looked into each other’s eyes and I swear in that moment he said so much more than he ever does. A smile broke across his face and I understood that I was doing the same. He broke off the eye contact, said something unintelligible which just past by me and left me awestruck and mesmerized by the moment.

I looked down at the way my fingers were tangled. I knew he was looking at me. I knew it all. But I didn’t make an effort to look back at him because I knew I wouldn’t have been able to resist. I resisted. He noticed. We treasured the moment and let it pass.

When they walked hand in hand…

You know that feeling you get when you know someone is not in your reach but at the same time is more closer to you than everyone else? The feeling when someone slowly starts growing on you and you can do nothing but revel in that very feeling? Yes, exactly those feelings!

It was one of those beautiful nights. The moon was shinning proudly against the night sky in all it’s power and glory, the cold breeze was neither brutal nor gentle and there was still the feeling of peace in the bleeding, glowing, progressing, burning city. She asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he held her hand in spontaneous agreement.

He was walking with his friends in the cold foreign city, smiles on the faces, laughter in the air, cold breeze brushing by when she brought him back. Took him to a whole new walk. A walk he had never experienced before. So far away, they were in two different worlds. She was sitting in her balcony with cup of coffee, thinking about the tales untold and blending in a cold silent night. And here he was walking on a busy road, with construction machines all around him. Yet when they held hands in their conversations their worlds collided and they become one, walking on the same road, together.

They took the road of expressive emotions decorated with words and conversed of tales untold. The silence between them got louder as they walked the unmarked roads, hands in hand, side by side.

They reveled in the stories of the feet that had walked the roads and emoted with the walls that were shagged. Sounds all around their worlds but the only sound they heard was that of the autumn leaves singing the song of silence.

And then in this walk they walked into the sunrise and that is where they met. Their world that they’d reprise.

Oh the sweet dilemma!

Oh these winter nights, they do wonderful things to you

Oh this magic in the air, it takes thee to a whole new world

And these winds, they whisper so many tales in your ears as they pass

Of union, betrayal, joy, despair, longing…

Of pairs of feet walking these streets, silently, hand in hand. Surrendering.

Oh this pitch blackness of the night, revealing and concealing

The smell from the coffee and the ashes from the cigarettes!

And then the story between you and me, folding and unfolding

The spark, the conversations, the ignited light…

A sudden joy has filled my soul, a sudden excitement has replaced the fear. Is it the wind or the blues or the whole concept of knowing you?

 

A Reminder!

“I will always be a constant reminder for you, reminding you of the smell of the coffee, the winter breeze, the mid-summer sun, the dark sky, the smell of the books, the smoke from the cigarette, the vintage feel, the broken cities, the intriguing conversations, the sound of the laughter, the unspoken words, the joy deep down in your heart, the smile playing at the edge of your lips, the twist in the story, the waves in the sea, the fear in your heart, the void in your life, the start and the beginning of the end.”

He ran after her for hours to stop her but she was long gone and out of his reach as always.