“What’s the most brutal thing that I have done to you?” I asked.

“It’s the same as the most amazing thing you have done to me – Your words!”

 

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Writer’s Block

There comes a time in your life when you have a million thoughts stacked up in your mind, several things pending, projects in the pipeline, work waiting to be done, words waiting to be said and you amongst all those quintessentially awesome and incredibly messed up things find yourself disconnected. Detached. Its like you want to flow with all the force but everything in the obvious and obscure time and space is holding you back. To me that’s a writer’s block.

Not being able to let go, not being able to let it all out and especially when words fail me.

I found these ‘Dyslexic fragments’ in an abandoned folder in my phone.

Thought I’d share. Just for the sake of words and all that’s beyond them.

*

He and the entire idea of his being are two things I can never wrap my existence around. Will there ever be enough words, expressions, sighs, touches, heartbeats or moments to make him aware of that?

Will there ever be enough of me to contain enough of him?

Fuck it! I don’t need to.

*

Incredibly close, utterly exquisite and unbearably distant.

What?

Your existence.

*

A pang of pain, a rumble in her chest.

His crooked smile that looked more like a smirk.

Shoes. Her broken heels.

The pile of their clothes at the edge of the bed. Broken pieces of glass everywhere on the floor.

Her need to break, completely. His desire to fall for a broken heart.

Will white pants go with this teal V-neck? Dilemmas.

The need of being loved. To love. Unconditionally.

For her to be his. His precious jewel.

Misery and mystery. The despicable games that can be played.

Adrenaline rush. Drugs running in the veins. Choking on the smoke from the cheap cigarrettes.

A death every moment. A death by choice.

The loss within.

*

Barefoot in the moonlight. A trance created by the joyous souls.

A goodbye to last forever.

The story of the night. Every other night.

The curse in the polite conversation.

The fall of the desperate kingdom of love.

Despise.

Demise.

Disappear.

Relive.

*

These outbursts…

“Wait, what? You were stalking me?”

“No, I bailed on you last night and whenever I do that I wake up and check your tweets just to know how your night went.” He said and then smiled in surrender.

“Yeah and you thought I’d let the world know what I was going through, huh?”

Just Another Day.

I woke up to his text today, well just like everyday. Can’t expect a better starting, can I? He told me that he’ll be spending the day at the beach and that he’d miss me there. Heart skips a beat, a sigh breaks. Simple words would have such power, I never knew.
Before I was completely awake, he left for the place he loves the most, leaving me behind lost in the wolrd of thoughts, his thoughts.
It was another of those stuck-at-home Sundays, with siblings busy sleeping and parents busy with grocery and other household errands. Thanks to the Pakistan Vs India match, of course.
I, how hopelessly, tried to concentrate on the highs and lows of the match and the rephrasing assignments of mine. But since when have distractions been so kind? All of it was done just to come back to thinking about Him. And Him only.

I kept my phone on charging, my laptop aside, switched off the television and went for a walk at my terrace. Even during the day, the place was full of the memories of the night long conversations I’d had with him. A beautiful land of stories, of our stories. A place I’d always come back to. Always. I aimlessly started walking, walking in circles maybe, thinking of him. Of us, together. I had all those moments in front of me like a beautiful movie playing in BluRay, vivid and brilliant. I thought of a vast crystal blue sea, glistering white sand and a clear blue sky. So exquisite, so majestic. I thought of Him. His bronze intense eyes, the smile always playing at the edge of his lips, the messy hair and the never trimmed beard. I thought of his eyes searching, scanning the beautiful beach with such intensity that it made me skip a beat. I imagined him observing the fine details which usually get ignored by ordinary eyes and smile at the thought of him saying “Attention to detail, you know.” I imaged him smiling at the hints of existence on the naked rocks, the foot marks on the glistering sand, leftovers from the people who must have had walked on this sand creating stories. I imagined him thinking about all those stories. And I imagined him smiling at the thought of all that was hidden and revealed, everything in the air, never failing to fascinate him.

I thought of us, in that very moment, together. I imagined us walking together, hand in hand, along the sea line, talking and laughing endlessly. I imagined his carefree laughter and the way he’d have looked at me, smiled and said every word that was left unsaid. I imagined the two of us making stories together, creating memories. I imagined myself running around playfully and him clicking a million candid pictures. I imagined us happy together and in that moment, I swear I found myself falling for him all over again.

I opened my eyes to a bright sun and texted him saying that I miss him. I walked for a while after that, reminiscing, losing the track of time and the count of the moments that passed.

Iris

I met him today, yet again. He sat there in front of me, in all his glory and power. Indifferent as ever yet understanding the intensity more than he can ever show.

He was dressed in white and blue jeans, nothing too extraordinary though. I liked that. His simplicity failed as a cover or maybe his intensity is only exposed in front of me like that.

I looked away, knowing that his gaze will follow and it sure did. I smiled at him and asked him to like a picture. He refused. Not something I was not used to. We stared at each other, holding our egos wrapped in the fine sheet of humor between us. And before I could realize everything blurred out. The humor, the playful ego, the stubbornness, all of it, got replaced by this strange intensity. All I could think of was his eyes on me and mine on him, interlocked, beautiful, intense. I counted the seconds in the back of my head and lost the count after thirty. Skipped a beat and forgot the world around me. We looked into each other’s eyes and I swear in that moment he said so much more than he ever does. A smile broke across his face and I understood that I was doing the same. He broke off the eye contact, said something unintelligible which just past by me and left me awestruck and mesmerized by the moment.

I looked down at the way my fingers were tangled. I knew he was looking at me. I knew it all. But I didn’t make an effort to look back at him because I knew I wouldn’t have been able to resist. I resisted. He noticed. We treasured the moment and let it pass.

A Late Night Walk…

He came over to see me out of blue last night when no one was at my place.

“Wanna go for a walk?” He asked. “Sure.” I said, grabbed the keys and walked out with him.

It was way after midnight, the streets were deserted and far off I can hear the sea roaring to life with its high tidal waves thrashing the rocks in joy of their union. It was unusually chilly. Or maybe it was his presence and the night that made me feel so cold, vulnerable and strong at the same time. I was wearing my favorite jeans and a V-neck cutoff shirt. And he, well he was not in his best attire and I wondered why?

We walked through the streets until we reached at a point from where the sea was visible. The road stretched in front, separating us from the unclean sand and beautiful in it’s own way Karachi beach. He took off his jacket and handed it over to me. I gave him a very confused look. His eyes were full of determination, rage, passion and somehow love. The last part scared me. I took the jacket from him without saying a word, put it on and rolled my eyes at him to which he smiled. We crossed the road and walked over to the damp rocks. He held my hand and pulled me over to his side so that I was seated close to him.

We stared at the sea in complete silence. None of us spoke yet so many words and sentences were exchanged.

He always said that he would never choose to live by the sea. He can’t live near something so strong, so influential and so harsh. Well now that he does, he doesn’t complain much about it. I, on the other hand, always wanted to stay close to the sea. It keeps me calm and tickles some sort of thrill inside me both at the same time. I remember once we drove past the sea and he said that the sea and the city both have a very forgiving heart. Part of the reason he didn’t like them. This always confused me but I never brought it up like a million other things about him having the same effect on me.

The sea stretched far and blended with the sky at a point making is difficult to distinguish between the two of them. The grays melted into blacks and the sand far off seemed like wet silver glitter. The moon was as-usual alone and breathtaking. Even at such a dark and quiet time, the stars weren’t visible. I think it is one thing I’d want this city to have. But again, the imperfections of Karachi make it more beautiful and real.

Two guys on a motor bike passed by, giving us weird looks. Probably thinking what everyone else would upon seeing two people dressed like that at such an ungodly hour. I brushed the thought away, closed my eyes and let the wind play with my hair and caress my skin. When I opened my eyes, I found him staring at me with such intensity in his eyes that it made my heart skip a beat. He tucked a loose strand behind my ear, blinked and looked away before I can read his expression and adjust to what just happened. How can I ever keep up with this man? Sigh. He took a cigarette out of his pocket, lit it and started smoking. I looked at him and remembered how once he said that he’d never smoke in front of me.

I stood up and started walking towards the water. A moment later I found him catching pace with me. We walked quietly, hand in hand, along the sea line leaving the city moan and unite with the sea behind us.

Dreams over reality.

I had fallen asleep while talking to him and woke up to his call. He sounded worried.

It was 4:00 am and I was stuck between reality and the dream. Where am I? I panicked. Oh just my room. But why are all these lights and lamps switched on? I looked around, confused, trying to figure out. My room was brightly lit with all the fancy lamps I have always liked. The windows were wide open offering a beautiful view of the full moon against an aphotic night sky. I shivered while the cold breeze danced around me, making the tiny hair on my arms rise. I looked around some more. Everything seemed to be on it’s place except for that one box beside me. Why, oh why is it here at this ungodly hour? Why? I locked it up in a drawer I never used, didn’t I? I looked at it. Millions of memories swirled around me along with the wind making me gasp in fear. All of a sudden I could hear all those sound, the laughter, the cries and the bitter sweet words. What is happening? Why now? I tried to brush away the panic and recall some of the memories against my own will. They made me smile and cry at the same time. The times at the beach where we held hands for the first time,sitting at our favorite spot talking for hours, the never ending text messages, the sound of his laughter, my eye rolls, his slight smirk, my constant scowling, our own version of a happy world, the late night phone calls. The phone call?! I could hear the alarms ringing back in my mind but the flashbacks were too vivid to let anything overpower them. I realized I was grinning like a idiot between the non stopping tears. His face was so clear in my memories I could stretch my arm and touch him. His eyes, full of love. That smile, my favorite smile, playing at the edge of his lips. His messy, unruly hair and the black shirt I loved the most. I smiled again.

“Speak something please.” He said interrupting my reverie. I realized he was waiting for me to speak on the other side of the phone. An uninvited feeling of anger ran through my body and I snapped involuntarily, “What?!” “Uh-umm I was worried. You vanished. You’ve been quite for last 15 minutes, not responding to anything I said.” “I… Uh I was caught between the reality and the dream.” I said. He sighed. I can almost imagine his worried looks and the concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?” I asked and regretted as soon as the words escaped my mouth. “Yes, absolutely. I’m okay and happy as a gay butterfly. No! How can you even ask that?”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to say anything. I looked around my room once again. It looked dark even with every single source of light switched on. I hung up on him and curled beside the box of my memories. I chose to let the dreams hug me and take over the reality for that moment. I think I drifted to some unknown world I never wanted to leave.